I remembered seasons when I was on fire for God: fasting twice a week, locking myself in for 3-day prayer shut-ins, attending multiple church services in one day because I was hungry, desperate, lit up for Him. I know seasons change. I know not everything can be duplicated. But the hunger I used to have? I missed it.

Birthdays are funny, aren’t they? They bring joy and reflection, laughter and longing, gratitude and grief. All at once. And if we’re not careful, we’ll try to stuff those complicated emotions with cake, silence, or people-pleasing. But not this year. This year, I gave myself permission to feel.  To sit in the tension of joy and loss. To cry for what has been and what never was. To thank God for where I am and still long for what I miss.

If I’m not careful, I can talk myself out of doing all kinds of cool things—especially the very things I know will point others to Jesus and bring God glory.