It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To

I recently celebrated a birthday

This year, I gave myself something unexpected for my birthday: 

Permission to feel.

I turned 45 on a Sunday. 

The night before my birthday, I felt heavy. Not because of my age, not because of anything anyone did or didn’t do— I just… felt.

I felt sadness. I felt grief. I missed my dad who passed away a what seems like long ago. I missed my grandparents—their love, their laughter, their steady wisdom. I missed their presence.

It caught me off guard. I’m not someone who typically gets emotional over their absence. I carry their memory with me daily, but this time, the ache felt louder. More insistent.

So I cried.

I cried Saturday night, the night before my birthday.

I cried Sunday morning on the way to church.

I told my husband that I just “felt sad.” And I cried again after church—still wearing my birthday outfit and birthday hair I had forced myself to jazz up in rollers the night before. 

For a moment I felt guilty about crying. 

Wasn’t I supposed to be celebrating?

 Wasn’t I supposed to be smiling, thankful, joyful, posting selfies and eating cake?

But then I remembered this truth:

I am a human being, not a human doing.

 I am fearfully and wonderfully made, in the image of a God who feels.

Robots do not feel, but humans do. And sometimes, humans cry.

Birthday selfie - before the next round of tears

Birthdays are funny, aren’t they?

They bring joy and reflection, laughter and longing, gratitude and grief. All at once. And if we’re not careful, we’ll try to stuff those complicated emotions with cake, silence, or people-pleasing.

But not this year.

This year, I gave myself permission to feel. 

To sit in the tension of joy and loss. To cry for what has been and what never was. To thank God for where I am and still long for what I miss.

I didn’t need to fake it. I didn’t need to a “good Christian” I just needed to be Kacie. And Kacie needed a good cry.

There is strength in softness. There is courage in crying. There is worship in weeping.

God collects every tear. He honors every ache. And He never rushes our emotions or scolds our grief.

You have permission to feel two things at once: 

Grief and gratitude. 

Joy and sorrow. 

Hope and heaviness.

God is not frustrated or upset by our tears

Again, tears are not a sign of weakness. They’re the soul’s way of saying, “I’m alive. I remember. I still care.”

God doesn’t ask us to perform our way through pain or pretend our way through milestones. He simply asks us to come as we are—even on our birthdays.

And that’s what I did.

I let the tears come. I let myself miss the ones who shaped me and are no longer here to see me as a wife, daughter, and awesome human. 

I let myself be—no fixing, no explaining, no stuffing or eating the feelings away. Just honesty. Just presence.

And you know what?

It felt good.

If you're feeling the feels today -- here’s your permission slip too:

You don’t have to smile through it. You don’t have to justify it. You get to feel your feelings and still be held by a God who understands them all. He meets us right there—in the car, in the kitchen, in the church parking lot—with love, tenderness, and presence.

Update: I cried on my birthday with big tears and a snotty nose. I cried for awhile off an on for a bit, and you know what? Later that day I felt so much better. The sun literally came out and after awhile, I didn't feel the need to cry anymore. I just believed that God saw my tears, He held me and comforted me. I was able to emotionally release and I'm grateful for a God that allows me to just be - especially on my birthday.

Discover "Self-Esteem Through Scripture" for Spiritual Empowerment

Bonus Resource: If this resonates, check out my book Self-Esteem Through Scripture: Seeing Yourself Through the Eyes of God. It’s full of reminders about who you are in Christ. You can grab it on Amazon (and yes, I go back and reread it myself when I need a reminder!).

Hi, my name is Kacie Starr Long. I am an author, and speaker and I love to use my voice to point people to Jesus. When I'm not writing, I'm either hanging out with my husband or sewing. God delivered me from food addiction and I have a sewing ministry, called the Sew Hope Community Sewing Room. I am the proud wife of Alfred T. Long, Sr and together we lead a non-profit that serves prisoners and their families. Connect with me at www.InspiredOverflow.com and via my YouTube page for Christian teachings and encouragement.