The dull ache in the lower part of my tummy was a familiar one. I'd felt its heaviness at least once a month for close to 27 years by now.
I sighed and went to the bathroom.
After reaching under the bathroom sink for a tampon, and handling my business; I sat on the toilet and had a talk with God.
It wasn't an audible conversation. I didn't have the words to say, and in fact, I knew IF I tried to conjure words, a big wail would erupt. So instead, I spoke to God silently through my heart.
I thought of the number: 72.
It had been 72 months of believing God for pregnancy.
6 years of marriage. And 72 months of praying, wishing, and hoping that this would be the month that I would not have to reach under my bathroom sink because I would instead be pregnant.
Perhaps like me, you've been waiting on God to work a miracle in your life, and it just hasn't happened.
I understand frustrating, utterly devasting, and heartbreaking it is to believe God for a miracle, that hasn't happened....yet.
As I sat on my toilet, wiping away tears, the temptation to abandon my dream and discouragement about ever becoming pregnantant began to set in.
There had been so much time that had passed since I had first heard God say that I would have children, I began to think that perhaps I was mistaken. Maybe God didn't really say that I would have children one day.
I must have misheard. In fact, all of the prophetic words I had received about children, that I had dutifully recorded...they must be wrong too.
As I wiped away more tears, I cocked my head to the side and reflected about life without children.
"Well, it wouldn't be so bad..." I reasoned. I thought about the freedom Al and I currently enjoy, and the flexibility in our lives since we don't have to worry about caring and tending to children.
Maybe not having children was God's will for me after all, and if so, a childless life wouldn't be that bad.
I tried to convince myself that settling for not having children would be okay, however, my spirit just wouldn't allow me to do so in peace.
It was as if my spirit said, "But God promised. Hold on to the promise!"
Have you ever been tempted to settle?
Have you ever considered not believing in God's promise? Or have you ever considered settling for a piece of the promise or a portion of the promise due to the full manifestation of the promise taking way too long?
Maybe God promised that your child would be completely healed, and right now your child is better -- but not 100% healed, and now you've been tempted to settle for partial healing.
Or maybe, God spoke to you years ago that you would go back to school, but life has happened; there's the pandemic, ministry, the kids, and your spouse...and instead of going back to school, you have found yourself settled, right where you are.
Or perhaps, God has given you the promise of marriage. That you will marry a Godly spouse, and instead of believing God for His anointed mate for you; you've decided to settle for someone who is "nice" but not God's best.
In Genesis 11:26-32 there are a few, short sentences about a man named Terah who was Abraham's father.
God called Terah to leave his hometown in Ur and to live in Canaan. Terah answered the call, and he and his family began the 1,000 mile journey from Ur to Canaan, but something happened. Terah decided instead of journeying to Canaan, he instead stopped in a city called Haran, and settled there.
The Bible doesn't say why Terah settled in Haran instead of continuing the trek to Canaan, but I'm sure we can assume some of the reasons. Perhaps Terah and his family grew tired of the arduous trek. Maybe they got frustrated with such a long journey, and when they arrived at Haran, they noticed that there was ample land, an adequate water supply, and even though Haran was not Canaan -- it was at least good enough, so Terah made the decision to settle.
Terah eventually dies in Haran and never made it to Canaan, the land God intended for him.
Satan will use 'Haran places' in our life to convince us to settle. God has a promised land, a Canaan place for each of us, and if we aren't careful it can be easy to allow discouragement, delay, or weariness to cause us to settle in Haran instead of moving forward Canaan.
Seated on my toilet that afternoon-- frustrated, disappointed, and even angry too -- the temptation was for me to settle for a life without children. Would life be miserable for me and my husband without children? No. But, that wasn't my Canaan. God wanted me to continue believing in Him, and to hold fast to His promises, and not settle in 'Haran'.
Abraham, the son of Terah ultimately finishes what his father could not. Abraham later leads his family to Canaan -- God is merciful like that; however, I can't help but think how much further, and how much easier it could have been if Terah had finished his God-given assignment, and not leave that burden on his son to finish.
Imagine how much farther your children and grandchildren will go in the faith if you refuse to settle or compromise and hold fast to your Canaan? The thing about the land of Haran is that it was not a bad place. Terah lived 250 years in Haran, so you can imagine that the land provided food, and space for his family -- however, Haran was a good place but it was not God's best. Canaan was God's best, however Terah settled in Haran and did not keep going to Canaan.
Satan wants you and me to give up. To settle, and accept a partial victory or piece of the promise and not contend in faith for Caanan.
I've been waiting 72 months for a child -- I know there are other women who have been waiting much longer. I'm reminded of a preacher I heard who said, "Your job is to believe. Let God do the rest."
I got off that toilet seat, that afternoon and over the course of a few days, I began to build up my faith in God's word to keep going toward Canaan.
I don't know how God is going to bring children into my life. Whether they come out of my body, through adoption, fostering, or if someone leaves a child on my doorstep. I'm not sure how it is going to happen, but I am going to my job and that is to believe in the promises of God.
I refuse to settle in Haran. Haran may be nice, but it is not my Canaan. I want my Canaan!
I pray that you too will believe in God's promises spoken over your life and refuse to settle.
This article was published in Jewel Warrior, a Christian women's online devotional. Please subscribe to receive encouraging devotionals each day from women from around the world.
Hi, my name is Kacie Starr Long. I am an author, speaker and I love to use my voice to point people to Jesus. When I'm not writing, I'm either working out at Orange Theory Fitness or sewing. God delivered me from food addiction and I have a sewing ministry for women who have been previously incarcerated and at-risk teens. I am the proud wife to Alfred T. Long, Sr and together we lead a non-profit that serves prisoners and their families. Connect with me at www.InspiredOverflow.com and via my YouTube page for more daily Christian teachings and encouragement.